1.1.11

AYNSLEY:
Happy New Year! Today was a magical day. In addition to the perfect balance of ones in the date, Mom was leaps and bounds better. She had significantly more strength in her body: standing (with assistance) without shaking, moving her legs on their own, pulling herself up with her arms, lifting and holding her head off the pillows. She had a wonderful physical therapy session and sat in a chair for about a half an hour before going back to the hospital bed. She didn't need ice packs on her neck or lower back. She took two awesome, uninterrupted naps. Her appetite was good, her energy was good and her mood was...well, she oscillates between sweetness and persnickety.

She got a phone call from a dear friend and was so happy to talk on the phone, she got a visit from her rabbi friend and was so happy to describe her personal philosophy of healing within a support group (ripples like a snail's shell, starting with just immediate family and extending more and more until hundreds of people are joining in and praying together), she got a great massage and was so happy to learn to stand up from bed on her own. And then she was a bit annoyed with Dad for not helping her brush her teeth. And a bit annoyed with me for pushing her to eat when she wasn't hungry.

I take the annoyance as a super good sign. I feel like she's starting to feel more normal in her body and doesn't want to have to stay in a hospital bed-she's such an active person and it's frustrating to hear that the sun is shining and the mountains are out and she can't enjoy it. In my mind, if she was still in so much pain, she wouldn't care-she'd simply keep hitting the pain button and drift off into sleep.

When I spoke with Gary for our mid-afternoon check in, he reminded me to enjoy the good days. That really resonated with me. There will be more bad days. There may be many more bad days than good days. There may be days when we all lack the strength to get out of bed, to stop crying, to face the world. But that wasn't today. Today I held my mom's hand as she slept, rubbed her back as she sat up and massaged expensive face cream into her temples. Today we laughed as she regaled us with stories of her sorority sisters, today we enjoyed amazing cookies baked with love by a coworker, today we sang AMEN and meant it with the Mi Sheberakh.

Soon I will have to go back to New York and that will be a difficult transition. I'm hesitant to make plans and appointments, especially professional ones. I'm paralyzed with wedding plans-should I book the DJ or cancel the venue? How will I adjust to being needed in two different places? I can't know and can't make any decisions right now. I just have to take Gary's advice and enjoy the good days. Like today.