10.26.11

AYNSLEY:
Gary and I arrived home this evening.  Not gonna lie, it was very difficult to leave Florida today.  Like, full on uncontrollable sob fest on the beach difficult.  As is so often the situation, Gary just pulled me in close and gently asked why I was crying.  I couldn't articulate it well, but this vacation felt like the last vacation we'll ever take.  It was the end of something that I had been looking forward to and maybe clinging too much to: a last hurrah before baby, something easy and mindless to focus on in the wake of Mom's death, no responsibilities for a few days...But in a classic example of "World's Worst Thing to Say When You're Expecting a Baby in Two Months" I just said that I felt like I didn't have anything else to look forward to again. 

Which of course isn't true.  I am ridiculously excited to meet the Pea and to watch us begin the transformation into parents.  I am excited to go into fall and winter in NYC, to not be traveling for a few months, to buy a monthly Metrocard for the first time in 2011, to see friends, to start our childbirth classes and on and on.  But I do feel like we'll never take a vacation again. And I'm fully aware that the next big thing that we're anticipating and looking forward to will holler at all hours of night and day.  I'm afraid of the hormone fallout of delivery and newborn care and mourning the biggest loss of my life all rolled into one.

Even though Mom was only receiving hospice benefits for less than 24 hours, we get benefits for 13 months after hospice ends.  This is truly amazing.  I can't say enough good things about the Group Health hospice care: the family receives social work benefits (nationwide) for a full 13 months after the last day of hospice.  The social worker wanted to make sure that I knew that and took advantage of therapy or bereavement groups or anything that might help me in NYC.  And while I don't think I have any need for anything right now, I am very happy to have those resources in my back pocket post-partum.