2.23.11

AYNSLEY:
I find myself counting days a lot. Four days until I go home. Thirty one days until I get married. This is a completely self indulgent practice and one that is not healthy for me. For two months now, people have been taking me aside, in person and in email, and giving me encouragement and permission to take care of myself, take time for myself and do things I want to do. Not that I needed any encouragement for this-as soon as my dad called me in tears, "should" flew out the window and I've been doing whatever I want to do, whenever I want to. Which means waking up at 6am every day to work out, then taking another workout break in the middle of the day. It means eating chocolate with breakfast, lunch and dinner and every snack. It means working six days a week, minimum, and refusing to even pretend that I'm going to do my own laundry. It's constantly living in the future, losing the struggle to stay present, and counting days until. If I don't nip this in the bud...okay, too late for that...if I don't cut off the vines of this growth, I'm going to completely miss out on my life. People have been treating me as if I'm excited for the wedding and I can't even fathom for a minute why I would be. Gary finally staged an intervention last night and insisted I figure out how to enjoy it, or he was going to get on the phone with the amazing Seattle support crew and ask them to take care of everything.

So, today. Today is a day that was lived, both by me and my mom. I woke up early to run 5 miles while Mom worked hard to sleep in. She did sleep well last night, and then exercised hard today: she went walking down and back a very long hallway-her farthest walk yet. She made an effort to eat a lot today, even asking Ross to bring her savory snacks from the Taco Truck to add fiber and calories to her dinner. I did my regular dance between "I should really try to lose a few pounds before the wedding" and "Mmmm, chocolate" and, of course, ended up as I always do: eating tons of veggies and lean protein and an entire bar of 85% chocolate. Mom's been successfully fighting her infections-her white blood cell counts are back up closer to where they should be and she's feeling well. We're guessing she'll start chemo again the week after next, so maybe the week of March 6th. I don't know when we'll know the date for sure, but now that we know she's responding so well to it, I think it's a little easier to take. The nausea, fatigue and weakness seem less scary and more worth it. Mom's attitude has shifted since the CT scan results. And she had a positive attitude to begin with! But now there's really attainable progress to be made, and she's set her mind to attaining it. And really, attitude is everything.