2.25.11

AYNSLEY:
Things continue to move in the right direction. Mom is eating like a champ and exercising hard. Today it was decided that she's going to start taking her morphine only as needed, instead of every 12 hours. She said that she's not really in pain; she has some stomach discomfort, occasional aches and the feverish shivers are uncomfortable, but no real pain that needs to be addressed. Of course, she might not have pain because she's on morphine all of the time. But we're going to see how she does without it. It's causing some more unpleasant side effects, so it's worth it to try to go off. She can always start up again.

Things have steadied out to a different energy again-we're not all in emergency mode. And coming into the weekend, with me coming back into town on Sunday morning, I think Dad is able to relax a little bit (I hope). Though I wonder what will happen once we all let our guards down a bit, if we allow ourselves to turn off the Fight or Flight mode of operating. I suspect we'll all get colds or the flu or oversleep five days in a row. As it is, we're all still a bit too wound up to let that happen. I've been telling friends about how intense the past two months have been and how Dad hasn't really slept since mid December and everyone has a story about how they defied and overrode their biology to power through something that was necessary. Most often it's school exams, but definitely caring for loved ones falls into those categories. I have friends with small children who haven't slept more than 5 hours in a row in years. They manage. We all do.

Someone emailed me that God never gives us more than we can handle. Now, I'm no Believer and I don't think we're gaining strength from anything as sentient as a God. But I do believe in prayer. I think that love is powerful beyond measure. I think that if we choose to, we can dig down deep, and deeper still, and find continued strength within ourselves. And if we find it lacking, we can accept it from others who share it. I think it's renewable and chargeable and continually growing on itself. It we go into despair, it will consume us. So too will hope. So that's my wish for my family, and for everyone who so generously keeps us in their thoughts and prayers. May we all be consumed by hope.