5.13.11

AYNSLEY:
For the first time since chemo last Tuesday, Mom had a good day! She exercised, ate well and has felt good all day so far.

When I spoke with her this evening, she asked about my weekend plans (work on Saturday, hockey on Sunday) and then about when I'm coming back to Seattle. It's hard to tell. I feel so torn. I have a finite amount of paid time off work, and though I hate missing so much time with my family, I feel like I need to protect those days. And it's hard to go back and forth for a few days. The reality is that the next trip I make will probably include Gary and will probably be only three days. Those trips are great, but hard. With the 9+ hours of travel, time change and work days off finagling, it's just hard. It's hard to keep my life going on both coasts. Some parts are wonderful: the time spent with my family and family friends, plus some great Seattle friends that I've been able to see so much more than I have in the past 6 years. And some parts aren't so wonderful. I realize that I sound like a spoiled brat, complaining about decisions that I willingly made and continue to make.

The truth is that hearing Mom ask when I'm coming back breaks my heart into a thousand pieces. I miss her. I miss her so much now, when I get to talk to her every day and some days spend 15 hours with her. And I know that, at some point, I won't have that. I won't have the option of even visiting, or hearing her voice. At some point in all of our lives, the people we love are gone.