Thursday, March 3, 2011


I got stuck in the elevator today. Each visitor is required to check in and get a badge allowing them access to the floor they are visiting. The badges are supposed to be deactivated overnight, but sometimes are not. Last night, I spent the night. When I left the KGH today at 3pm, my badge had been deactivated, but I didn't realize it. You need the badge both to summon an elevator and to pick your floor once inside, but I went in right as someone came out and didn't realize my mistake until the elevator doors closed. The elevator wouldn't move. The doors wouldn't open. I considered my options.

This seems to be good analogy of my life right now. Inaction is the most comfortable option. I was very resistant first to make a call about changing the wedding date, then to send out invitations, then still to solidify details. I'm paralyzed about what to do about my life in NY, if I should continue to pursue clients, if I should renew my lease. It feels easiest to just shrug and not plan, to just see how things go. But the reality is that goes against every fiber in my being. I am a planner. I need to know how things will go. Not having any idea where Mom will even be in a month is beyond frustrating. I need to plan! I need to book flights, to arrange meetings, to stock my freezer. Truly, this is a good lesson for me, this living in no man's land. But at what point do I get to say that I've learned my lesson?

I left today at 3pm. I needed the night off, to do work, to see a friend, to exercise, to solidify plans (ok, to pick out the shoes I'm going to wear when I marry Gary). It was excruciatingly difficult to leave, and yet I couldn't wait. I was so antsy for a work out, jonesing for a shower and very ready to check the shoe task of the list of annoying little details to iron out for the wedding. I am not super into being a bride-this is not my idea of fun. The only thing I like to shop for is food and having to take time away from Mom to pick out shoes is ridiculous to me, not a nice distraction. And I had a lovely dinner with a friend and got a good sweat on and enjoyed my shower and picked the damn shoes (thank god for Zappos). And felt guilty as hell for being away.

Mom ended up having a great day. She woke up kind of nauseous today and had a difficult time with breakfast and pills, but right in the middle of PT sort of perked up and turned it around. She started with a short walk on very wobbly legs, but ended up doing lots of exercises and walking again later, this time much more stable. Lunch was corned beef and cabbage with potatoes and mustard: jackpot! She ate about 1/4 of the corned beef and some potato and cabbage around noon, then power napped and had another 1/4 of the corned beef, more potato and some potato chips around 2pm when she woke up. Oh, and on the subject of sleep: 7 hours uninterrupted last night-amazing. She really got good rest today, which was so needed. I hope Dad gets as lucky tonight and has an easy night. It doesn't quite seem fair that I've had the easy nights so far. I offered to stay again tonight; really I enjoy the time, but Dad misses her when he's gone and has graciously agreed to let me stay every other night. He isn't really going to give me any more. I'll take what I can get.

Back to the elevator: clearly, I got out. I waited a few minutes (which is a long time when you're stuck in an elevator) to see if someone would summon it and I'd be let out. No such luck. There's an emergency call button that I finally pressed and the person who answered sent me to the lobby. Just goes to show: you can wait for things to happen to you, or you can make them happen. Inaction will not get me anywhere right now; I need to make active choices about the course of my life. I need to own that I'm choosing to live in NY, continue the work that I do and the life that I lead and be a part time daughter.


  1. Aynsley,
    Thank you for your consistent updates about your mom, and for sharing your insights about your own personal journey. You are a remarkable woman with great heart and a gifted writer. As I read about Flynne's days, I know her struggles are heartbreaking to you and all of us, but I know her strength, and to hear that she is sleeping 7 hours! Her need for rest is as important as anything in fighting her disease, I know your know this. I, along with all her friends continue to send prayers, positive thoughts and love out to her and your whole family.
    I'm amazed by all of you,

    Beth Remy

  2. Be where your heart is and trust that. Be where you can be wholeheartedly. Trust that your open, connected heart will be honest with you. And that when you operate from that place, you are divinely guided. No matter where you are or what you are doing, you are her daughter full time. Remember that when you are out in the world, you are bringing that to her life, that you are modeling for your family that moving between nurturing and being nourished, how the cycle of life needs to be honored, the proper order of parent to child, being in right relationship. Owning your choices also means being able to fully love them. Be on your side. I am so inspired by your courage and transparency. It feeds my appreciation for vulnerability and capacity for compassion. No matter what I share with you, in the end, I support all your choices with my full heart.

    I have been thinking a lot about weening Oskar lately, consulted a lot of people and traditions researching what choices I want to make. Lately it seems I am up all night too frequently because Oskar seems insatiable. He is almost 2 now, is it time to wean? Am I holding back his development, his gaining independence, his physical growth because nursing is a substitute for eating? Am I encouraging seperation anxiety or a sleep disorder by continuing to nurse? Am I shirking the responsibility of teaching my son boundaries by not having weaned him? Most of the time, I wish Oskar would just wean himself and then the responsibility for all these questions would not be on me. But it will also make me inexpressibly sad when he separates from me. I think every time he does it, takes these steps away from me and into his own life (which I will make sure includes me in some way, even if it means letting go!) my heart will break a little, but I will also admire his courage. One day we will no longer have this connection be it in the next few months or when he is 11 (seriously, this week someone told be about an 11 year old boy who still breastfed!), and that is the healthy order of things. It's so much simpler when you are little, but no less true when you are adult, is my guess.

    That said, I read somewhere recently that you can now less true when you are adult, is my guess.

    That said, I read somewhere recently that you can now buy adult ice cream made from breast milk. So maybe it's not true that we all have to wean!

    It's all so tricky. But no matter what, you are 100% daughter.